I have crippling anxiety and I must scream (but no one can hear me)
by Cotton Candye
Summary: Sometimes you're never ok, but that's alright. People will look to you for strength, and it doesn't cost what you don't have to give it. Tags: anxiety/depression, self-exploration, 2nd Person POV, pre-canon


*crossposted from AO3 (my name there is Dashy902)*

Hey, so I came back from the dead to throw this at you. This is nothing like any of my previous fics, so don't expect fluff or any other kind of sweet stuff. Also this fic goes into depression/anxiety, so if you don't want to read about that, please click away now. With that out of the way, on with the story.

* * *

You don't know when it started.

Was it when you were at the playground the first time?

"Maru-chan, look at me!" Your best friend giggled as she hung on the monkey bars.

You were still in kindergarten then, but you were already the more responsible one, between the two of you. Growing up as an only child meant a difference, even at that age. You never had an older sister to keep you in check.

So of course, when she fell off, you were there to catch her.

"Uwaah! That was so scary! I'm never climbing up there again!"

Which meant she kept going back to the bars, again and again, relying on you to save her every time. You didn't mind though. Even if you were deathly afraid of falling off yourself, it didn't take any of the strength you would have needed to hang off them to catch Ruby from a few feet up.

"Thanks again, Maru-chan!" She chimed as you caught her for the umpteenth time, "Why aren't you playing, though? I swear I'll be fine without you for a few minutes!"

Nothing on the playground seemed right for you, you remember. Anything easy to do looked too dangerous, and you didn't think you'd be good at the other equipment. But when you're a kid, you're not told to doubt yourself, or to be aware of any boundaries, so what you said instead was,

"But I am playing, zura! Helping Ruby-chan play is so much fun, I don't need to do anything else."

What else did they never tell you? That you might never be alright? You found that out soon enough, when it got dark and the lights in the park turned on.

Ruby had exhausted herself by this point, and the two of you had been sitting on a park bench, resting before going home. The snap of the lights turning on startled her, but you, you were terrified. Growing up in your dark, humble temple as you had, the sudden burst of technology had not been something you were prepared for.

Neither were you prepared for Ruby hiding her face in your shoulder, though perhaps you should have been. She may have been generally strong, cheerful and outspoken, unlike yourself, but she had a fear of what she didn't know. Being sheltered as she was by her sister and the rest of her surroundings, (perhaps you could take a little blame) she usually needed to see that she didn't need to be scared before she wouldn't be.

So as one of her shelterers, despite your own fear, you resolved to find a way to cure hers, first. Despite a torrent of thoughts crushing your chest, (what if it blows up when I get close to it? What if it eats me?) you inched towards it, and with all the cheer your could muster, exclaimed "Mirai, zura!" causing Ruby to approach it herself, and change her gaze from one of fear to one of wonder.

Dia would show up in short order to take the two of you home. Along the way, Ruby told her of what you two had done, how you had been so strong, so dashing, to save her from the many perils of the park. The elder sister patted you on the head and praised you afterwards, while you ate dinner with them, and chided Ruby for making you protect her. You realize now that the way Ruby grew up to describe her sister and the way you came to see her were not incompatible descriptions of the same Dia Kurosawa. The adventures you and Ruby would continue to have usually ended in this way, so while she eventually saw her sister as a big meanie for chiding and scolding her all the time, you saw her as caring and loving.

All this as a result of you barely overcoming the fears and darkness you harboured in order to protect your friend. Of course, with the way you had acted, no one else saw anything wrong with you.

That didn't stop you from being guilty any time Ruby was taken aside by her sister to receive a stern lecture.

That didn't stop you from hating yourself for being scared in the first place.

That didn't stop you from wishing you were someone else and someone else was you, because surely anyone else who did what you did regularly would actually deserve the praise you always received.

So as you grew older, and people who you knew became people you had known (to later become people you know, again) you retreated more and more within yourself.

Sure, you had your best friend. But she was all you had.

And she had much more than you.

So when she was busy with one of the many friends that she constantly made, (you realize now that you were usually the one introducing her to them) you retreated within yourself.

You put yourself to work, maintaining the temple. Your grandmother frequently praised how diligent you were in maintaining your home and faith. In truth, you had relatively early began worrying about being a burden on your family. They never told you what they had to deal with, financially and manually, but you could always see it.

You put yourself to work, maintaining your grades. Dia and Ruby frequently gushed over how well you did in school. In truth, you were always afraid of failure, and of dragging the Kurosawa sisters down with you if they had to help you catch up. Failing meant, more than anything, that all the people in your life who had contributed to your schooling had failed, your family, one friend (and her sister), and your teachers. You could never bring yourself to bring shame to any of them.

You put yourself to work, joining the choir. As a temple girl, you couldn't very well not have sung, and the great thing about the choir was that there were all those wonderful voices all around you. You were frequently praised by everyone about your voice, but you didn't sing for the accolades. (you never really felt you deserved them, either) You practiced your singing all the time so that you would never let your choir mates down, and so you would never betray the spirit of the composer of any of the songs you sung.

Lastly, you put yourself to work, reading. Living in a temple and having multiple libraries close by, you were drawn to the stories you could find. All of them. The protagonists of every fantasy had confidence and resourcefulness in abundance, so you wished you could be them. You wished you could be the monkey king from Journey to the West, even if you could barely understand any of the kanji of the book. You wished you could be the protagonist of Ningen no Unmei, who grew into their own as a productive and fully-functioning member of society, like you hoped to be able to. (no matter how fantastic that dream seemed)

In time, you could look back and see success. Ruby had grown out of her shell a bit, (you liked to think you helped) you were usually a top student in school, (all the better to help your friend with) your temple was pristine, and your choir was enjoyed by everyone who heard it.

All this was not to mean you were happy or satisfied, however. Which isn't to say you weren't.

You could look back and see success, but that was only because you had never wanted to suffer the consequences of failure. You had never felt satisfaction, never done anything for yourself; Your only goal, all this time, had been to keep your head above water.

Somehow, through it all, the people around you came to admire you and respect you, even if you could never be happy with yourself. Ruby would look to you for help and guidance, and you could give it to her.

You suppose you're lucky that it doesn't take you having strength to be able to give strength, because even as (especially as) your accomplishments pile up, you're never confident.

You never feel as if you ever do anything as right as you would like.

You never feel as if you ever conquer as many of your fears as you should.

Then again, when you have the pleasure of watching your friend's face light up after you help her understand the latest math operation you're taught,

you suppose that sometimes, you can be never ok.

But that's alright.

* * *

'Mirai, Zura!' means 'It's the future!' and it's one of Maru's catchphrases.

It's 2 AM and I wanted to get these feelings off my chest so here this is. Ever since Aqours was revealed, I've identified with Hanamaru pretty strongly, because I feel like I share a lot of traits with her. This story is actually kinda about me as much as it is about her.

Please leave a comment if you enjoyed the story/have something to say about it.

If you want, you can also follow my tumblr at 'dashy902' where I mostly reblog happy & funny stuff related to LL. If you see yourself in this fic, I'm available to talk there, as well. Thanks for reading.


End file.
